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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Electricity

Today's question: What in the world's electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond.  However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately electrocuted.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Applicant With A Winking Problem.

A man with a winking problem applied for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looked over his papers and said, "You've graduated from the best schools,your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.

I'm sorry . . . . we can't hire you".
"But wait," the man protested, "if I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

The applicant reached into his jacket pocket and began pulling out all sorts of cond0ms:red cond0ms, blue cond0ms, ribbed cond0ms, Assorted c0ndoms. Finally finding a packet of aspirin at the bottom. He tore it open, swallowed the tablets, and stopped winking.

"Oh dear," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we can't have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these cond0ms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemist's and asked for aspirin while winking?"


HAVE LOTS OF FUN FILLED WITH PLENTY SUGAR!

AMAZING LIFESTYLE IN THE 1500s!!!

Life in the 1500s.

The next time you're washing yourself and complain that the water temperature isn't to your liking, think how it was for the unfortunate people living in the 1500s.

Most people married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good in June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons and other men, then the women, and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs; thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof; hence the saying "it's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This was a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt; hence the saying, "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until it would all start slipping outside when you opened the door. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, a "thresh hold."

In those days people cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while; hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which was quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that it could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed. Sometimes worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burned bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...whoever said history was boring?


DO HAVE A NICE DAY OF HISTORY CLASS WITH ME!

CHEERS!!

THE RANCHER,S WIDOW.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on a Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,'she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

ENJOY!


Unmasked: Erotic Tales of Gay Superheroes
Str8te Boys
PRISON KAMASUTRA (The Beauty of Gay Love)

Many Uses Of The Word "FUCK"!

The Fucking Disclaimer
If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this page and then say it annoys you.
Uses of the word Fuck
FUCK is an international word. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck Off".
It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you will never read something like:
"Fuck off", he hinted.
Grammatical Usage
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, making it one of the most versatile words in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (John and Jane fucked). It can be an active verb (John fucked Jane) or a passive verb (Jane was fucked by John). Or an adverb (Jane is a fucking bastard) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful). It may also be inserted into other words (abso-fucking-lutely).
Further Structures
As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations.

Greetings
"How the fuck are you?"


Fraud
"I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."


Dismay
"Oh, fuck it."


Trouble
"Well, I guess I'm fucked again."


Aggression
"Fuck you!!!"


Disgust
"Fuck me!!!"


Confusion, Curiosity or Disbelief
"What the fuck....?"


Difficulty
"I don't understand this fucking thing."


Despair
"Fucked again."


Good Job
"Congratufuckinglations."


Desperation
"Fuckityfuckfuckfuck."


Incompetence
"He fucks up everything."


Disappointment
"This fucking fucker is fucked."


Intelligence
"He's a fucking genius."


Dismissal
"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?"


Displeasure
"What the fuck is going on?"


Lost
"Where the fuck are we?"


Disbelief
"Unbefuckinglievable!!!"


Retaliation
"Up your fucking ass!!!"


Laziness
"He's just a fuck-off."


Pain
"Fuck ! that hurt."


Pleasure
"Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"


Love
"Do ya Fuck on first dates?"


Starting a relationship
"Let's fuck now!"


Surprise
"Fucking hell what was that?"


Admiration
"Nice fucking tits!"


Stupid person
"Dumbfuck!"


Hate
"You Fuck!"


Condemnation
"Fuck that shit!"


Disappointment
"That's not fucking fair."


A poker hand
"A Royal Fuck."


Ignorant person
"Fuckstick."


Denial
"I didn't fucking do it."


Perplexity
"I know fuck all about it."


Apathy
"Who gives a fuck" or "I don't give a fuck".


Confusion
"What the fuck just happened?"


Resignation
"Oh fuck it."


Suspicion
"Who the fuck are you?"


Panic
"Let's get the fuck out of here!"


Directions
"Fuck off."


Sex
"Let's fuck."


Maternal
"Motherfucker."


Incestuous
"Motherfucker."


Ambiguity
"I'm not so fucking sure."


Agreement
"Absofuckinglutely."


Questioning Authority
"Who the fuck do you think you are?"


Hypocrisy
"Don't you dare fucking swear at me you fucking fucker."


Praising the Lord
"Jesus Fucking Christ."


I have a headache
"Go fuck yourself."


Refusal
"Oh you can fuck right off."


Pissed off
"Fuck the fucking fuckers!"


Be quiet
"Shut the fuck up."


You're right
"Fucking oath." (Australianism)


Ostentation
"He's just bought a big, fuck-off Mercedes."


Sensuousness
"She was wearing a pair of red leather, fuck-me boots."


Confidence
"Fuckin' A."


Rage
"Motherfucking fuckers!"


Impressed
"That was fucking amazing."


Oral sex after 30 years of marriage
"Fuck you!" (while passing each other in the hall)


Bewilderment or Ignorance
"Fucked if I know."


Enraged
"I'm gonna fuck you up!"


Annoyance
"Fuck off, fucker."


Annoyance
"For fuck's sake."


Pissed off
"Fuck you, you fucking fuck."


Tardiness
"It's ten-fucking-thirty already?"


Broken down motorcycle
"Sir, the fucking fucker has fucked up on me.


Professional appraisal of mechanical failure
"It's fucked."


Calling someone
"Oy, fuck face!"


Minors
"Fucklings."


Morons
"Fucktards."


Completely naked
Butthefucknaked


Low intelligence
Fuckwit


A name for the penis
Fuckstick (as in "I'm going to jam my fuckstick right up you")


Thanks
"Fuck you very much."

Useful Acronymns
These may come in handy when space is at a premium.

DILLIGAF
Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck


FA
Fuck All


FFS
For Fuck's Sake


FIIK
Fucked If I Know


FOAD
Fuck Off And Die


FUBAR
Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition


FYYFF
Fuck You You Fucking Fucker


GAGF
Go And Get Fucked


GFY
Go Fuck Yourself


GTFO
Get The Fuck Out


HMFIC
Head Mother Fucker In Charge


JFGI
Just Fucking Google It


LMFAO
Laughed My Fucking Ass Off


MILF
Mum (Mom) I'd Like To Fuck


NFI
No Fucking Idea


NMFP
Not My Fucking Problem


RTFM
Read The Fucking Manual


SNAFU
Situation Normal All Fucked Up


WOFTAM
Waste of Fucking Time and Money


WTF
What The Fuck

Sweet FA also deserves a special mention (Sweet Fuck All), meaning "nothing". Another abbreviation is F'ed in the A for (Fucked in the Ass), presumably meaning "taken advantage of" rather than literally shagged in the poophole.
Famous historical quotes
Never forget the words of these famous people.

General Custer
Where did all them fucking Indians come from?


Mayor of Hiroshima
"What the fuck was that?"


Captain of the Titanic
"Where's all the fucking water coming from?"


Michelangelo
"You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?"


Einstein
"Any fucker could understand that."


Sean Penn
"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"


John Lennon
"Is that a real fucking gun?"


Donald Campbell
"The fucking throttle is stuck."


Anne Boleyn
"Heads are going to fucking roll."


Richard Nixon
"Who's going to fucking know?"


Niki Lauda
"I thought I could fucking smell petrol."


Mark Thatcher
"What fucking map?"


Picasso
"It does fucking look like her."


Christopher Columbus
"Where the fuck are we?"


Michael Jackson
"It's a fucking skin condition" and more recently "I told you I didn't fucking fuck him!"


Pythagoras
"How the fuck did you work that one out?"


Walt Disney
"Fuck a duck."


Joan of Arc
"I don't suppose it will fucking rain."


George Bush
"Fcuk! I can't spell."


Miss Marples
"I haven't got a fucking clue."


Noah
"Scattered showers, my fucking arse."


Donald Trump
"You're fucking fired!"


Judge Judy
"Shut the fuck up!"


Paris Hilton
"Fuck me."


Ronald Regan to the Pope
"Yes it does fucking hurt."


Harold, Battle of Hastings 1066
"Watch him he'll have some fucker's eye out"


John F Kennedy
"Who needs that fucking bubble top?"


John F Kennedy
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head."


John F Kennedy Jr.
"What's wrong with this fucking altimeter?"


Bill Clinton
"I should have fucked her."


Bill Clinton
"I didn't fucking inhale!"


Hurricane Katrina
"Mardi Fuckin Gras this motherfuckers."


Leonardo da Vinci
"Call that a fucking smile?"


Sir Walter Raleigh
"That's another good cloak fucked!"


William Tell
"Keep Fucking Still."

Some readers have pointed out that there are also some real famous fuck quotes from historical figures, such as General George Patton who among other things is noted to have said:

"I don't give a fuck for a man who's not always on his toes."


"The bilious bastards who write that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about fucking!"


"We're going to murder those lousy Hun cock suckers by the bushel-fucking-basket."

Australia's Kerry Packer (for a time Australia's richest man; died late 2005) was also very fond of the word "fuck". Perhaps his best remembered quote followed the first time he died in 1990, after suffering a heart attack and being clinically dead for some eight minutes before being revived. When asked if he saw a light at the end of a tunnel he said: "Son, there's fucking nothing there."
Australia's former Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser is believed to have said "Life wasn't meant to be fucking easy".
Mark Latham, another Australian politician had this to say about Prime Minister John Howard's trip to the U.S.A.: "Howard is an arse-licker. He went over there, kissed some bums, and got patted on the fucking head."
Dorothy Parker is said to have sent a telegraph in reply to her editor - who was bugging her for belated work while on her honeymoon - that read: "Too fucking busy, and vice versa"
Conclusion
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word. If by any chance you think I've missed any, please fucking let me know.
How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"?
Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature.
Why not say "FUCK YOU !" to someone today. 

HAVE A FUCKING NICE DAY...













Tuesday, October 12, 2010

THE OLD SOOTHSAYER


            Some group of engineers were working on a building site near a village. An old man from the village usually pauses once in a while to say hello on his way to his farm. On the first day that he came, he greeted them all and looks at the sky and said: "it's going to rain very soon". They were all surprised as there was no cloud formation depicting rainfall.  So they ignored his comment and continued with their work. A few while after, there was a heavy downpour that washed away all that day's work. The foreman at the site was so devastated about the development.
The next day, the old man came and repeated what he said yesterday and it poured heavily again. The third day, the foreman was the one that asked the old man as he was passing if it's going to rain. His answer was no and there was no rain. They were as well surprised and puzzled, so the foreman decided to employ the old man as a rain maker and soothsayer.

Whenever the old man tells them it's going to rain, no work will be carried out that day but if otherwise, there will be normal operation. This has been on for about two weeks until one day that the old man came and he was asked if it's going to rain but he said he doesn't know. He was asked why and he said: There was no light yester night so I couldn't watch the weather forecast on TV!

Lol…

cHeErS!

A FUNNY NIGERIAN MAN (AN IBO MAN).

An Ibo man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Nigeria on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Ibo man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Ibo
for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Ibo man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000”?

The Ibo man replies:

"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"

I g b o K w e n u!

Cheers!