THE OLD SOOTHSAYER

            Some group of engineers were working on a building site near a village. An old man from the village usually pauses once in a while to say hello on his way to his farm. On the first day that he came, he greeted them all and looks at the sky and said: "it's going to rain very soon". They were all surprised as there was no cloud formation depicting rainfall.  So they ignored his comment and continued with their work. A few while after, there was a heavy downpour that washed away all that day's work. The foreman at the site was so devastated about the development.

The next day, the old man came and repeated what he said yesterday and it poured heavily again. The third day, the foreman was the one that asked the old man as he was passing if it's going to rain. His answer was no and there was no rain. They were as well surprised and puzzled, so the foreman decided to employ the old man as a rain maker and soothsayer.

Whenever the old man tells them it's going to rain, no work will be carried out that day but if otherwise, there will be normal operation. This has been on for about two weeks until one day that the old man came and he was asked if it's going to rain but he said he doesn't know. He was asked why and he said: There was no light yester night so I couldn't watch the weather forecast on TV!

Lol…

cHeErS!

LEVEL MUST CHANGE !

   An airplane was flying over the United States one
night. Then the pilot said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the
plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown
out". A little later, the pilot said "We're
still losing altitude; we must throw anything out that is in
the cabin". The plane continued to descend despite more
things being thrown out.
Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some
people". There was a big gasp from the
passengers!
Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be
thrown out in alphabetical order.
So...A... any Africans on board?" No one
moved.
"B... any Blacks on board?" No one
moved.
"C... any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one
moved.
"D... any Darkies?" Then a little black boy
- asked his dad:
"Dad what are we?
Dad: "Tonight son, we are Zulus!"

Cheers!

I AM A SAUDI !!!

A Little Girl... A Dog...A Saudi and A
 Policeman!!
  
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
 Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull
 dog .He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He
 succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's
 life.
 A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and
 says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all
 the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of
 little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New
 Yorker!"
 
 "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the
 policeman answers. "But I am not an American!"
 says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man
 says: - "I am a Saudi!"
 The next day the newspaper says: "Islamic
 extremist kills innocent American dog".

PLEASE LEARN FROM THIS MAN AND MARRY AN ILLITERATE.

   An illiterate woman boarded a plane from Enugu to Abuja in Nigeria. She was booked for an economy class seat... Just after the plane took-off, the woman stood up and went to sit in the first class cabin. The flight attendant went to ask her to go back and sit in economy class because that's where the ticket allowed her to sit but she refused. She had paid and wanted the best seat. 
  Then the attendant informed the Jnr. Pilot. The Jnr. Pilot went and spoke with the lady and she still refused. Then the Jnr. Pilot went to inform the chief pilot. The chief pilot said I am married to an illiterate; I'll go and talk to her. The chief went and whispered some words to the woman and she peacefully stood-up and went to her economy class seat. The attendant and Jnr. Pilot surprisingly asked, sir what did you tell her? 
  The chief pilot said: Easy guys, I just told her that first class is not going to Abuja, only economy class is.
                                                                                 CHEERS!




Illiterate America (Plume)
 Obama Nation (Abomination): ECONOMIC illiterate (USA / United States of America / American / Political) - 1 1/4" Button / Pin
 The Illiterate One Poster Movie Mexican 11x17
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STATISTICAL TRICKS.

  There is a group of five statisticians on a 'train. At the next stop, five
epidemiologists get on. They all seem to know each other and start
chatting. It transpires that each of the epidemiologists has bought a
ticket, but the statisticians have only bought one between the five of
them. "Why did you do that?" asks one of the epidemiologists. "Surely
you're going to get caught and. thrown off the train". "Just wait and see!",
smiles one of the statisticians.

   As the ticket inspector is approaching to check everyone's tickets, the
statisticians all go off to the nearest toilet -the inspector passes the
epidemiologists and inspects all their tickets then moves on and notices
that the toilet is locked. "Tickets please!" shouts the inspector. One of
the statisticians pushes their ticket under the toilet door, which the
inspector checks and returns under the door. Once the inspector has
gone, all the statisticians return to their seats to the awe and amazement
of the epidemiologists. "That's incredibly clever!" says one of the
epidemiologists.

   A few weeks later they all find themselves on the same train again. They
sit together and start chatting once more. "We've done what you
suggested", says one of the epidemiologists, "and just bought one ticket
between the five of us!". "Oh really", says one of the statisticians, "we
haven't bought ANY tickets this time!". The epidemiologists look at each
other in amazement. "OK, one ticket between you is fine but not buying
any at all is ludicrous! "

   As the ticket inspector approaches the epidemiologists hurry off to the
toilet. Once they're inside the statisticians follow them. "Tickets please! "
shouts one of the statisticians. The ticket appears under the door and
they take it away and all bundle into a different toilet. The inspector gets
to the toilet with the epidemiologists in it. "Tickets please!" he shouts.
No reply. "Tickets please!". The epidemiologists admit defeat and come
out of the toilet only to be thrown off at the next station.

Cheers!

REIGN OF FIRE.

One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean's office and in
rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist
immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be
removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on
which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.
While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other
wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" they demanded. "Well
to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size" the
statistician replies.


CHEERS!

FREE YOUR BURDEN.

On a hot summer’s day, a priest walking down a country lane sees a young farmer struggling
to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the Priest. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a
hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the priest said.
"You must be allowed to stop work. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Getting angry, the priest said,
"Your father is very hard on you. Tell me where he is and I'll tell him to treat you better!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."


CHEERS!

AN HILARIOUS WAY OF MAKING A BABY!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to beIn and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

If only she knew they were not on the same frequency. HA!HA!

JOB IN RAILWAY...

A job placement in the railway corporation has the following on its advertisement banner:

JOB: The Railway Corporation requires suitably qualified candidates for the post of Train Master.

QUALIFICATION: Ability to read and write, ability to out-run a train even at full speed.

SALARY: Very attractive.

JOB DESCRIPTION: Candidate will have to hold a torch and run ahead of train because the headlight has stopped working...

Goodluck!

Little Man, Big Authority!

A large notice in a shop window announced a big sale, with sweeping
reductions, starting at 9 a.m. An enormous queue had started to form by 7-30
a.m.
Just before the shop was due to open, an inconspicuous little man walked to
the head of the queue. Angry women elbowed and pushed him until he was
right at the back of the line. Undaunted, the little man went to the head of the
queue again.
Once more, he was shoved unceremoniously to the back, this time with a
few smacks on the face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas wielded by
angry women.
The little man walked to one side of the queue and said: “If that’s your
attitude, I won’t open the shop at all today!”

The Pastor's Ass

A friend of mine sent me this joke sometimes ago; it goes thus:-

 

The Pastor's Ass:


 A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

   PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 The next day, the local paper headline Read:
 
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

 The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

 The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
     NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
 
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your Life.

So be yourself and enjoy life! (People MUST talk)

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Cheers!